i've always believed that every single thing in my life was made for a reason. most of the time, the needed explanations for my "whys" do not really show themselves up - not until the right time. and usually, those are the ones that need pronto answers. it's funny how life works, one moment you're on top of the world and in just a blink of an eye, the gravity of life's reality knocks you straight down. but then you don't stop moving forward because you have to always remind yourself, "everything happens for a reason."
way back before when things are a little bit simpler, little things seemed to be a big thing already for me. an old 8 count crayola box with all the unsharpened crayons seemed to be a problem with kindergarten especially when everyone has the 64-count plus built-in sharpener. a big red B+ seemed to be a huge problem in gradeschool especially when all of your grades are nothing below A. a boy you've been crushing on all your childhood days who keeps on ignoring you when everyone in the world but him knows you have crush on him seemed to be most hurtful feeling you'll ever experience and then you swore you'll never have a crush on anyone ever again. then your first breakup, migrating to another country, the failing of nursing school, your first medication error at work, and the list goes on and on.
it's so funny to reminisce some of life's memories and how we look at our problems when they are right there in front of you at that moment. it seemed like it's so big you can never get your way out of it. and it's funny how you think that's the end of your world and there's no other way in life that will make you feel better. it's funny how you think that that's the BIGGEST trial you'll ever experience in your entire life but then again, you're wrong. because as days pass by - you realize that the biggest trial that you're talking about is still yet to come.
when my lola died, i thought that was the saddest feeling i'll ever feel. but i was wrong. when i was moving from phillipines going here in jersey, i thought that was the biggest trial i'll ever encounter in my life. but then i was wrong. when i failed nursing school on my second semester knowing if i fail one more time, i'll be out of nursing school, i thought my world is gonna end. but then i was wrong yet again. because as everything sinks in tonight, i realized that the biggest trial that i'm facing is right here, right here in front of me.
it's so true that when you love someone, you get hurt twice when they get hurt. when you really care for someone, their tears becomes yours and their pain becomes your agony.
when my dad got admitted in the hospital, i knew right there from the start that i have to be ready. but everytime i hear him scream because of the pain he's having, i know in my heart i wasn't ready for it yet. not with my dad. you see, i always see him as the superman. i never see him weak, i never picture him sick, i never imagine him like that. and it breaks my heart a lot lot because i didn't see this coming at all. it was too fast. i wish there's a pause and rewind in this life's journey so that at least i couldve prepared myself better than how i'm dealing it right now. being admitted to the hospital is one thing but moving him to oncology floor blew my mind away and caught me off guard.
and right that moment, it's hard to mumble to myself the phrase i've always associated my life with. with a teared-eye, i have to remind myself, "everything happens for a reason."
" dear God, it's so hard to let go. you promised me you'll never give me a problem i can never bear. but i didnt see this coming. if there's one word to describe how i am feeling right now: shattered. dear God, i am so lost. if there's one thing that breaks my heart - it's the art of letting go. i don't know how to let go. i feel so alone even though i can feel that people want to reach out to me. but i cannot go on like this for he needs me more than ever. it's hard to be strong for him though because in reality, im so broken inside. dear God, i can tell that this is probably the biggest trial i'll ever face and as much as it hurts a lot lot - this is the time i need You most. dear God, please don't
let go. i pray that may you keep my dad close to Your heart because i am not ready to let go yet. I am humbled to realize that our days are too short to worry, too short to remain aimless, too short to fool around and too short not to show how someone means the world to you. these tears are meaningless because for me to trust in You, i have to let go and let You take control. it is hard because i am just a human but dear God, please give me the peace that i need to go on with my life and to move on knowing that he is in good Hands already. when you answered all my prayer requests since then, i believe this one's no different from the rest because i believe that in Your time and with Your will, everything will fall into place. and i am too blessed to know that as we start this journey as a family - we are not alone for we know we are in good Hands. i love you in dear Jesus name i pray. Amen. "