i remember how i use to say that "my life is like a rollercoaster right now" and now i realized how much i have used that statement carelessly. looking back to how my problems were before to what i am facing right now, i realized how my past problems were nothing compared to what's right here in front of me. at the present - definitely a rollercoaster ride, no doubt about that. with all those loops and big drops and all the upside down and high peaks combined with those symptoms that goes with it: thrill that goes down your spine where every drop feels like your heart is going to rip your chest open and fly away and the lightheadedness you feel where you feel you've spun around 1000000 times and want to puke all at the same time. i know, i also forgot the fact the freedom and the good-kind-of-thrill you feel when you're suspended in the air, the kick you feel everytime you shout at the top of your lungs and no one will care and just the overall exhiliration you feel riding one. i guess, it really all depends on the person riding on it: how one can look at it, how one can get the most out of it and sometimes, who you're riding with.
just as i was skimming around my recent pictures, i cant help but to smile when i saw my dad's picture when he was still stronger after being diagnosed with cancer. all the pictures i uploaded at facebook where we were walking at the park almost everyday, friends and family were able to see the smile on his face and how he looked great after everything he has gone through. i remembered how happy i was thinking we're all moving forward, he is definitely getting stronger little by little. then last sunday afternoon, as we were driving him back to berlin - i can't help but to tear. as i witness him crying for pain, catching his breath due to excessive coughing and the sadness in his eyes - my feelings become indescribable.
dad's condition is a rollercoaster. one moment he's up and joking, and then in an instant he doesn't look good at all. one moment, he would say he'd like to eat all sorts of food and once you bring them all in, he couldn't even get up of his bed to enjoy his food. one moment, he's sitting up playing his guitar and in an instant, he's down in his knees coughing up complaining he can't breathe right.
my emotions and my life for the past 3 months has been a rollercoaster. i want to be the strong woman i thought i knew but reality bites and i realized that life doesnt work that way. i want to be the kind of person that people will be inspired of because of such great faith in the midst of all the trials i'm facing but inside, everything seems to be broken into many pieces. i want to be able to smile and mean it by heart but it's hard to fake a smile when ur tearing inside out. i want to be strong not only for my dad but for my mom and my sister but i can't imagine how hard it is.
i want to be strong for my mom. it breaks my heart to see her in pain. even though she doesnt say a lot - the sadness in her eyes is overwhelming. what if my dad won't be able to get through it, what happens to my mom? and then my sister, there's a whole lot of things and achievements my dad wants to see of my sister. what happens when things doesn't work out well with him? sometimes, it's so much easier to care less because you'll get hurt less. but i can't put these thoughts and feelings aside because they are my family and they are my life. they are my ohana.
as much as people enjoys rollercoaster, i want to get out from it. i want to take out my dad out of this rollercoaster ride. but i cant be didnt chose to be in that position. we didnt choose to be in this position. and i guess that's where it all leads it down to: no matter how much crazy the whole ride is, what matters is who you're riding it with. it's so damn hard but it becomes worthwhile because i'm with those people who are really close to my heart.
dear God, here i am again. it's kinda hard to have puffy eyes every morning when i wake up or at night before i go to sleep but i pray that may you keep my dad very very close to your heart. you know his conditon well and i pray that may Your will be done. he doesn't look too well at all and once again, he's far away from me again. may you please guide him and my mom in berlin and guide all of them there taking care of my dad. dear God, i dont want to let go of my dad, give him the strength and the faith that he needs to fight what he's going through. i love him too much to let go. i sometimes forget how we are just a tiny speck in this wide universe you created and that the whole world doesn't revolve around us yet you care so much. dear God, help me to cry less and trust more. help me to praise you more that to dwell on these trials i'm going through. dear God, please be with him, keep him close to your heart. with this rollercoaster we're all going through, thank you because You know how it's like and You love us so much you're willing to take the ride with us. thank you for all the blessings inspite of everything. iloveyou, in Jesus name, amen.