spending time somewhat alone in the house is not healthy for me. my throat starts to feel like i swallowed a big chunk of jawbreaker even my own saliva can't flush. then my eyes start to flood with burning liquid i think they call tears. at the same time, my tummy feels like thousands of premature butterflies decided to flop around haphazardly. then my heart starts to pump too fast as if there's no tomorrow. then sometimes, my hands decided to join - parasthesia kicking in as if electricity just gave me a warm handshake. and then my brain just got fried.

oh dada - there is a HUGE hole in my heart and i'm trying to be a big girl right now but it's always bringing me back to being a daddy's little girl. it breaks my heart everytime i realize "reality" because it hurts too much to know i won't be able to see you for quite a while. i miss everything about you. and i can't move on...i don't know how to move on. i'm starting to be embarassed already because all i think about is you, all i talk about is you and how i wish i am lying but i am not.

i miss you smile. i miss how you get mad at me and then we're okay again. i miss how you wake up early in the morning even though you don't have to but you still do just to have someone to eat with during breakfast because you know i don't eat alone. i miss how you take out the trash everyday and maintain the house spotfree. i miss how you always turn on the radio in the car everytime i start singing because you always tease me i'm out of tune. i miss how you whistle. i miss how you make me smile inside out everytime you show off your farting tactics. i miss how you bring me everywhere. i miss staring at you cleaning the cars as if they're you're babies. i miss how you surprise me with my favorite dishes. i miss how you massage my back everytime i ask you to. i miss how we have our date - just the two of us. i miss how we hangout everytime mom is sleeping from work and Presh is at school. i miss how we shop at Asian foodstore. i miss our crazy bets and how you win fast cash 500 bucks because i chose Hatton over Pacquiao. i miss witnessing you courting mom every single day. i miss how you laugh. i miss your jokes. i miss our laundromat-dates together. i miss our padthai dates. i miss how you tease me with my penguins yet you gave most of them. i miss how you care so much about me. i miss how we'd hangout and just chill at the family room. i miss our Pho 99 dates. i miss watching you play the guitar. i miss how yuo sit down in front of our porch. i miss how you setup your hammock at the back and invite us to join you. i miss everything about our RVCC-bonding moments. i miss how we used to shovel together, i guess when you still let me before. i miss how good you are at saving money. i miss how i can easily sleep beside you. i miss how i massage your back by stepping on it. i miss how you tie my hair. i m iss how you wake me up. i miss how you laugh everytime you watch wowowee. i miss how you tell me stories when i was young and how you raised me up. i miss watching you with your garden skills and how you smile everytime you harvest your vegetables. i miss you look like. i miss how you take care of mom. i miss how you cuddle and hug those babies and kids here in the neighborhood as if they're yours. i miss how we drive around neighborhood and you know each and everyone of them. i miss how you take care of Presh. i miss how we go to Hollywood VideoRentals or even the public library to borrow videos. i miss how thoughtful you are - always trying to find time to call Pinas. i mis show you always remind me to save money all the time. i miss the smile i see in your face everytime i buy you something you really like and pretend that you don't care but by the end of the day, you're holding it as if it has been yours for a while. i miss how you always ask me to put more songs into the ipod i gave you. i miss how you reminisce your past with me. i miss how you take care of your indoor plants. i miss how happy you are everytime you buy new shoes. i miss our second-hand stores dates. i miss how you pretend it's communion everytime you drink grape juice. i miss your patience. i miss your papaitan and your kambing recipes. i miss how you sew some of my clothes instead of letting mom do it. i miss your voice especially when you sing. i mimss how you call out my name. i miss how i sit on the passenger's seat while i become your second GPS. i miss our long drive to AC. i miss how you put your arms around me everytime we walk together. i miss your eyes. i miss your presence. i miss everything about you. i miss everything about us. i miss the janreine i know when you were still here.

and it's hard to move on and to love and appreciate everything at the present because i am stuck in the past. and i don't know how to be in both time being at the same exact time. i want to move on but i'm glued to the part when you still existed. i don't want to forget about you at the same time, i know i have to let go and to live life.

my bicycle had a flat tire - al the way back from where i started and i'm scared to move on because the person that taught me how to ride the bicycle forgot to teach me how to move forward...

how to move forward without him.